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Don’t forget to gamble responsibly..

Watching the Oikball the other night, sitting next to my Sons, I observed West Ham sporting their snappy outfits pressed and laundered by Betway. Newcastle were sponsored by those nice people that lend money – Wonga. The stadia was adorned with Betway bunting. The adverts during the game were predominately sponsored by companies claiming their users ‘gambled responsibly’ – Especially Ray Winstone, who I doubt has had a tenner on anything in his life. But it’s great viewing for children. Honestly

If you like to watch sport, you’ll get used to this. If you like your late night telly – you know – stop camera action from the police force in Reading, the best looking penis, or shows about cars with fabulous emission ratings, you’ll also have become used to proliferation of gambling adverts. Some of whom sound almost heroic.
Of course we’re encouraged to ‘gamble responsibly’ by the yellow sign that tells us all (subliminaly) that when we’ve had enough FUN FUN FUN – we must learn to stop.
In other words, when you’ve run out of cash, maxed out every credit card you’ve got, kicked the fruit machine to bits, mortgaged your home to the hilt, turned your Missus into a Lesbian, and of course made the BBC documentary on ‘Britain At The Bookies’ – the home for all genuine sad acts, – then you’ll have truly arrived in the worlds of Bet365 and William Hill
If you’re in the minority, like me, the Mary Whitehouse types, you might pause for a moment and wonder what effect this siege of advertising has on our phsyche- not to mention those of our children. I mean we stop cigarette adverts, so why is it permissable that EVERY ad break tells us we have to spin to win? And sometimes more than once a break?

And of course, as every independent bookmaker and decent minded citizen knows- The UK’s ‘watchdog’ – the Gambling Commission, with all its fees and hype – does absolutely nothing. Nothing at all, to justify its very existence. ‘To protect the vulnerable.’

The ‘vulnerable’in this case appear to be online gaming giants

Little known- but worth mentioning, back in April I challenged Paddy Power on promotions headlined with the banner ‘money back’ on certain wagers. This was a headline grabber and peddled widely in the press. I invited them to desist from encouraging customers to wager under the entirely false assumption certain stakes would be refunded, when in actuality the customers were being refunded in ‘free bet stakes’. Of course the two are entirely different offers

Paddy Power declined to remove promotions with said headlines.

I challenged this with the ASA as misleading and wholly false. The challenge was upheld and they were ordered by the authority to cease free bet promotions with the headlines money back.

Paddy Power were not alone – Many firms were doing exactly the same, and in direct contravention to an earlier ASA ruling against Betfair for the same type of claims. These firms were directly contravening an earlier ruling

The question is this. Why did the Gambling Commission, the custodian of fair gambling and the vulnerable, not step in at any stage to order such promotions to be withdrawn? Is this agency actively complicit in protecting such firms from basic licensing conditions? Were said firms not in fact contravening several codes in licensing practices with such claims?

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I think I’m a fair minded bookie. I try to give my customers a better class of service and compete on odds with the high street. And as a bookie you might expect me to side with my own. I mean I do have a gambling site. But I don’t bombard people with adverts at 2am about it, and if I were to shove it on my occasional trips to Channel 4, where I upset the establishment for your viewing entertainment, I’d get my backside kicked off pronto.
I’m deeply uncomfortable with what goes on. I feel for those who are suffering. I favour a UK wide ban on anyone who self excludes – not backed by the Gambling Commission. I disagree with the use of credit cards to fund gambling. I disagree with Gibraltar outfits shoving their ‘online’ products to Racing. Although I scoff at the BHA’s lack of backbone in any department, all sound bytes.
I hear a lot of complaints from punters, some of whom could accurately be described as ‘bonus junkies.’ The new breed of professionals who scour the bookie websites for top of the market hits. I have some sympathy with the bookie view that a lot of those types of customer are worthless to us in business.
BUT. If Paddy Power are to offer even money each of two in a Rugby match, with just the outside chance of a handicap ‘tie’ to save them, if Skybet are to offer a loss leading 6 places on the Cambridgeshire, if Coral are to offer 6/1 each of 2 in a tennis match to new customers only – and all of them make money, then I know they’re not getting fat on those sports, especially the increasingly worthless racing product.
So they’re fattening on gaming. – NAP

Bet365 seem totally content to treat their customers with err, uhm contempt, by offering a customer, their customers, a £1 wager. They don’t care about the PR implications of being described by the same as ‘total frauds’ for describing themselves as ‘Bookmakers.’ Because they’re global. And for every clued up punter they treat so poorly over here, there are perhaps 5% of these new accounts they dig up that make the whole exercise of pushing for new business worthwhile. And deeply profitable. One can admire their bottom line, if not their methodology
Should we feel sympathy for those professional types who complain so vociferously? Clearly we care about the genuine punters who fluke a 16/1 winner and find their next wager batted down to 36p. But the pros?
For myself, I never keep a customer on if I’m not prepared to lay him or her a bet to lose at least £50 as a minimum, and remember that’s my minimum, not the average of what we’re prepared to lay. But that’s because I have standards. I may not like what some customers get up to, but if I do, I close them down with a fair explanation of why it’s been done. We do not hide behind ‘trading decisions’
But the big companies are the ones peddling the prices and offers. They’re continuously driving for new gaming custom and fully prepared to be ‘best odds guaranteed’ or ‘best prices for all Channel 4 races’ – even if it guarantees a loss. It’s a bit like the supermarkets claiming they make nothing from milk, because they choose to sell it so cheap to get the customers into the stores in the first place. They don’t care if the dairy farmer ends up out of business.

These ‘companies’ have created the bonus and offer culture. The free bet. I heard recently Coral offering a guarantee to lay any horse to lose a decent amount, I’m uncertain if it was Coral’s diminutive UK division or their Gibraltar arm making the offer, because its hardly clear who you’re wagering with when you call up ‘Coral.co.uk’ . They’re not prepared to offer it online, nor even on their phones. Once again a headling grabbing offer that turns out not quite as good as it sounds. But in a way I support any move towards a sensible lay to lose – I’ve always advocated £100 as a startpoint. Coral stand alone in proferring any sort of guarantee to date, even if it’s only in their shops.
But they’re a multi million pound outfit, still un prepared to offer their advertised odds to all of their customers. A bit like Waitrose saying it’s 50p for that Cadbury’s flake, but not to everyone. Isn’t this sort of thing a trading standards issue? And of course pretty much all of the other outfits are exactly the same. Complaints litter about what they don’t do, far more than what they do. Now why is that?
So the next time you think about grabbing yourself a ‘free bet’ for a tenner. Ponder awhile. If you can afford not to support firms who behave with such overall disdain for large sections of their customers, why would you support them with your business? If you want change, you have to be prepared to boycott those firms you consider place little real value on loyalty.
And should they be mandated, as they are in parts of Australia, to lay a fair bet to any price they offer?
Well the Gambling Commission don’t agree with you, but I most certainly do.

Bing Bong – Pay Pay – the Bookies view of Ascot..

Anyone that describes racing as dull has to be an astronaut. If the highlight for your average rocket man involves periods of sheer terror sitting on tonnes of high explosive jet fuel, punctuated by moments spent trying to work out the on board toilet then I suppose racing falls somewhere between the two. Racing provides so much more gripping entertainment. My week started with ten minutes of fame on Channel 4. The director in my ear telling me to ‘pipe down’ – this is fairly standard. Two large security guards stand off camera ready to drag me off set.

So we chat about Gosden Horn, sitting in the sun, with forecast temperatures of 18 degrees. Lucky asks if I feel the greatest horse on the planet will take his chance. Now, I’m supposed to have done my research, which includes looking at this horse’s form.. – Unless I’m mistaken, the brute beat none other than Storm The Stars at Nottingham on ground described as good to soft- soft in places. Add the paltry 700 grand on offer, the thousands who had paid to see him, the kudos in doing the Derby-George double, that the horse had travelled, that the field was inferior, and that I’m paid to speak my mind – I said I was confident he would indeed take place.

Everyone knows I’m rarely wrong.

A gaggle of press accompanied Lord John on his perambulation around the track, sporting a knitting needle to stick in the muddy bits and accompanied by Anthony Oppenheimer, -carefully dipping his cheque book into the ground. And yes, indeed, race fans – it came up ‘moist’. Of course I jest – it was his credit card. Breeding beats prize money, there’s no appetite for a tussle anymore amongst the top owners

Feature of Ascot’s excellent support card – a big sprinty thing where they split into 9 groups and the commentator takes a pot shot at who’s actually in front. Now this gets entertaining! Unless you’re an official

History says Speculative Bid travelled the course without the jockey because Spencer was sitting on the stalls rather than the horse. Perhaps he was practicing his dismount? Starters don’t react to cries of ‘No No No’ these days- nor do they speedily inform the stewards of the status of the horse in this age of walkie talkies.

Now I know you’re dozing off here- because who gives a monkies if the bookies done more of their money than they should? Rub of the green. But there’s a strong message here – and it’s important not only to learn from it, but hold the BHA properly to account, because that is how we progress change. Of course folks make errors, but what struck me was the abject lack of taking responsibility or a will to apologise. A thorough lack of understanding from one of the most professional group of stewards in the game, that they’re responsible to the betting community and the general public- most of whom have had a bet.

Bing Bong

Error one – ‘we’re looking into an incident at the start- but the placings are unaffected’

Wrong.

If you’re enquiring into the status of the favourite as a runner, you’re most definitely affecting betting markets. Why not mention what you’re actually discussing?

Bookies paid out dutifully and swiftly without deducting one fifth of winnings as rules dictate.

Bang Wong

‘Weighed in’ –Now we all know someone didn’t do their job here. Who to blame? Perhaps the stewards themselves for taking so very long to find out what happened to the favourite

Bing Bong – Bing Bong Along

‘Stewards Enquiry – we’re looking into the status of the favourite and whether he was a runner or not’ – Say what??

Bing Ding Dong

‘The favourite was a non runner’ customers can get their money back – oh right, sure thing.

So we pay everyone out on the favourite. Which was an illegal instruction. In the meantime the Betting ring managers are besieged with confused customers. Although most bookies had paid out. Not to have done so under the instructions given by the stewards would have been unprecedented – would have potentially resulted in loss of licenses – and would have most certainly caused a riot.

90 minutes pass, during which time the betting ring manager high tails it to the stewards secretary to remind him that what they had done was an illegal instruction under the rules of racing and explain what a bet is. Oh and what ‘weighed in actually represents..

Ding-A-Lang Dong

‘Stewards now instruct that Speculative Bid was in fact a runner for betting purposes ‘ tra la la la la – go back to the bookies for more

Those few who had had rule 4’s deducted took the opportunity to return for another refund. Tee hee. (not all I would add- most realised the bookies were as much victims here- and behaved impeccably)

Jamie Stiers took to Racing UK to explain what went on, roughly. He refused to apologise. Not in his remit.

Here is the ‘decline to apologise video’ – this from the BHA’s head of regulation – so we should expect a polished performance. Instead it adds to the shambles by giving the impression even he didn’t understand the rules- or know what was occurring. ‘I am advised a rule 4 should have come with the withdrawal of the favourite’ – this is a staggering remark. I believe my 12 year old knows this one! As head of regulation he clearly had to have the rules of betting explained to him.

http://www.racinguk.com/news/article/36742/bha-to-launch-bid-inquiry

The stewards made enquiries and in their report they mentioned those findings would be shared with the Authority. Oh, I’ve heard this one before. The brush.

the official report from Ascot:-

The Stewards held an enquiry into the start to ascertain why SPECULATIVE BID (IRE), ridden by Jamie Spencer, failed to start and eventually left the stalls rider-less. They heard evidence from the rider and the starters. Spencer stated that the gelding was loaded late as he was known to be difficult in the stalls and just prior to the stalls being released SPECULATIVE BID (IRE) got his head over the adjacent stall 23. He added that when the stalls were released he was off the horse. Having heard their evidence and viewed video recordings of the start, they found that SPECULATIVE BID (IRE) was deemed not to have started and, under Rule (B)10.5, ordered the gelding to be withdrawn.

The Stewards further enquired into why the Weighed In signal was given before the enquiry into the start of the race had been concluded. They heard evidence from the Stipendiary Steward, the Clerk of the Scales and the Racecourse Announcer. Having heard their evidence they forwarded the matter to the British Horseracing Authority for further consideration.

Look, I can take a joke as much as the next man. I can easily accept errors are made. My problem with the Authority here is the abject lack of transparency, a failure to immediately apologise and take ownership of the problem. All businesses pay for their errors- except the BHA it seems. They want the bookmaking community not only to foot the bill, but take the flak, the assaults that took place on my colleagues, the inconvenience and the loss of face. In the meantime they will conduct internal inquiries and ‘move forward’. If moving forward is to set a precedent whereby we pay for their shambolic and ill informed stewarding – then I have one answer.

I’m sorry, but I’m tired of the simple lack of accountability for errors and the high minded attitude that comes with. Appalling race planning, 8 flat meetings on a Saturday in July, 3 jumps meets on a Sunday. Embarrassing integrity enquiries taking years to prosecute in which video of races are lost.The head of integrity is still in his post – headlines ‘we’re consulting ourselves into how we’re doing’. Yup. Race planning is for five year olds, yet its head sits in her chair. A general lack of consultation with the general public. The mundane press releases in the place of open press conferences like other sports in which journalists have an opportunity to test their performance.

I should say it makes me deeply uncomfortable to have to challenge the organisation. But I feel a clear need to defend my colleagues even if the actual cost to myself is minimal. Let’s hope they behave in a manner befitting new management and the promises made by Nick Rust to come together. Here’s your chance Nick

Of course the BHA have registered successes – more so from it’s rather under funded commercial arm – REL. The Champions series, Qatar involvement, marketing on a shoe string budget. This leaves the authority actually responsible for planning, integrity and regulation. It lacks any clear authority over racecourses to the detriment of the sport – and everyone has a job for life.

Why?

I’m convinced amongst appreciable talent in the BHA are a few individuals without the necessary qualities to represent the sport. In every walk of life it’s critical for performance to be achievably measured. Failing employees and managers to be moved out and replaced with stronger people. And what’s with employing a board lacking in any appreciable experience in racing? So they can be bullied?

A line from excellent columnist Rich Lee – worth quoting –

“ ~~’Has there ever been a racing authority that was not incompetent, lacking in imagination and dynamism, or out of touch with the industry’s needs?’ Guardian racing writer Chris Hawkins…asked this rhetorical question in 1996.” Plus ca change…!

In between times ‘Britain at the Bookies’ – little to say about this, rather dull if you’re not in betting- and feels like an advert for gamblers anonymous. Can’t help feeling this wasn’t a good idea

Goodwood. ‘Appointment with fear’ my Old Man used to say. A graveyard for bookies, some of whom are buried under Trundle Hill. Good news for the betting men with Hughesie retiring. He’s cost us a pretty sum over the years.. good luck to the legend in his new venture – a gentleman jockey.

And so we trundle on to York. Another track with a sense of style. A possible meeting for Golden Horn and Gleneagles? On a strip of council land. If you want to get in free, climb under the gate at the ten furlong marker and look like you belong..

The 2015 cheltenham festival – the grubbie bookie’s view

I suppose all racing fans grew up with great memories of Cheltenham in March. I recall as a boy, betting in the underaged class, on the Cheltenham rail into the members enclosure, nobody was surprised in those days to be served by a 13 year old – that you just couldn’t move for the absolute crush of humanity. Most of whom appeared to be called Mick. Although a few were Paddy’s. These days we’d invent a quango to count them by age, sex, social class and type of BMW

I prepare for Cheltenham months in advance by calling up the babestation offices to see if any of their talent is free. I got one. Brandy Brewer was her stage name. I think we should all have stage names, don’t you agree? So we downloaded an app (and you said I was a dinosaur?) put in our names and received new ‘porn star’ equivalents. I was Dan Cucumber. I was quite pleased with that.

I added two more lusty girls, bearing in mind sex sells. That I have absolutely no morals whatsoever. That it would upset the gambling commission. That some fellahs would hang around even after I’d emptied all their pocket change, asking daft questions like – how big are they when they’re out? You get the picture

Just in case any mary Whitehouse types were lurking, I threw in a couple of old grizzlies who have worked for me forever and never break a nail. We jumped into our Bentleys for the Cotswolds. And Mulllins.

It’s all about Mullins you see. Henderson has voted himself a non runner these days, as he declares the entire season to date as ‘soft’. The galactacos of racing who’ve won very little of late. One day they’ll whisper in his ear that cotton wooling of stars is a miserable failure, horses need to race, and the giant that is Seven Barrows will wake up to find Paul Nicholls has been eating his lunch for months. I’d like to see that, Henderson is a decent chap and we desperately need competition

The run up to the great party gives our beloved journalists to call up their three favourite trainers. Pre requisite to any convo is to get in early and often the phrase ‘it’s a privilege’ – or you’re struck off ze list of approved hacks. Lesser trainers don’t have phones and who’s interested in Hobbs or Bradstock anyway?

ATR extend ‘Bookie hour’ to a 3 hour slot daily. Tarts..

It was all about Faugheen, Vautour, Douvan, Un De Sceaux, Annie Power and Don Poli. Throw in Peace and Co for good measure. The average SP of the first 4 mentioned this year in all races? 3/10. Gripping stuff we’ve been treated to. Thanks Willie- you deserve a few quid extra in your wages at Cheltenham

Of course we know now – only one got beat, courtesy of the biggest howler in racing for many a years as she grinned at the crowd and paddled the last. Been a long time since I heard such a moan. Genuine shock – the biggest fail at the Festival since I tried chatting up Emma Spencer. Multiple bets up and down the land were waiting on her due diligence. Walsh set it up and she fluffed her lines

There will be those of you, reading this, who take the view betting is the dirty end of the sport. That it’s all about breeding and the majesty of the horse. You’re the type who adores a 5 runner race. You don’t care if Faugheen is 1/6 as he powers away from horses two stone inferior. You don’t care if The New One or Annie Power are doing the same in Haydock or Leopardstown. It’s all magnificent.

Actually, you’re already dead and on the Eastbourne hall of fame. Check yourself

Well for those of you who don’t care about betting or the bookies, give yourself a pinch. Because I assume you care about the finances underpinning the sport? You want owners properly rewarded, yes? Well to educate you, the Levy Board was about to have a crisis meeting had Annie duly obliged, such would the whole have been in the finances of the sport.

(so good – I put it in twice..)

You see, racing is about the punters – they fund it. You think Steve Harman’s ‘racing right’ is coming to save you? Ha! The commercial acumen in racing has always lain with the bookies. They did their stones at Royal Ascot, King George and sundry other ‘biggies’. But you’re looking at their bottom lines – aren’t you?

Modern racing festivals these days in betting terms are characterised by ‘offers’. Credit to some firms ie Betfair (did I just plug Betfair? I need a shower! Who described their offers as what they were- free bets. Companies who did not distinguish themselves led by Paddy Power and Boylesports, who fronted with money back offers – that were nothing of the kind. I think this odious practice should be stopped. Cats being kicked into trees has to stay 🙂

On the plus side, firms like Paddy Power are giving their customers some amazing offers – I’ve never seen the likes of some of the deals they do, even if you’re only getting an extra bet, it’s still a lot more than in days of yore. What concerns me, is they’re mainly targeted at racing. It simply cannot be good for the sport for the number one festival the vehicle for ‘new business,’ rather than profiting from the racing itself. Take Peace and Co for example. A rock solid 2/1 chance for months- 4/1 in the morning. Not good, not good at all.

Thursday morning, Brandy broke a nail. It was so sudden I don’t think any of us expected it. The wailing and sobbing was akin to Annie Power’s departure from the festival. One moment – ten perfect porcelein fakes – the next- nine., Brandy wasn’t in the best of spirit. Punters were clambering over each other – not for her – but to press guinness sodden fivers in her hand for horses, fart and leave. What’s this about? This never happened at Babestation. She only had to flash her tatas and the phones would buzz. Anyway, to her eternal credit, this girl has guts for sure, she knuckled down and gave Vicky (AKA – Ritzy Jiggler) and Stephanie (Tara Cream) a hand in fending off the drunken. Some of which were bookies, a lot appeared to be jilted ex’s of Stephanie. Brandy will be back next year to entertain the masses we hope

In keeping with gambling commission edict 198.259 sub section 5 ‘dealing with total morons’ – we checked with everyone if they were over the age of 13 and not in fact in the paid employ of the commission itself trying to catch us out.

By Friday morning – I was in a shell shocked state, given depressing results, and the prospect of shaming myself on the Morning Line Saturday- my office had taken the phones off the hook and the website down. Come back Ffos Las, all is forgiven. Results outside the championship races were pretty fair – especially the ridiculous plunge on China Doll in the Queen Mother Champion Chase. Surely more likely to pull up than compete seriously?

It was a festival for the new. The performance of the meeting wasn’t the unchallenged Vautour for me – nor Faugheen, but the Denman-esque performance of Conygree. By the start of the 2nd circuit, he had many class performers firmly off the bridle. He quite simply ran them all into the ground. And who WAS that jockey??

Surely the BHA should lamp Bradstock with a 60 day ban for ‘upstaging Mullins’? Well done to the authority, however, for having the last ‘laugh’ as usual and a whip ban in the gold cup to a lesser jockey – they never disappoint

Was it the best Festival in modern times? – that’s hard to say, Loads of talking points. it certainly was out with the old and in with the new. Everyone knows I worry about the all enveloping nature of it. Months of discussing five runner graded events and odds on chances is something a caring authority wants to take very seriously, with the prospect of a repeat next year.
I have one suggestion, which will have some people nodding in approval, the purists in horror, and the BHA copping a deaf un. That Mares race. 6 years in a row a grade one animal reducing the worst rated event at the meeting to somewhat of a procession. Not really the point is it? Not good for the finances non plus. Perhaps an upper rating level of some description? We all know Annie Power will line up again next year – but in reality she should be in the World Hurdle, and not hiding away in selling class. NAP

I always mention the whiners. Taking a break from the Betfair Forum. Those who moan about Channel 4’s coverage could only be uber impressed at some of the amazing images treated to our screens, the features, the slo mo’s. Fine, I’m an occasional guest, but I’m entitled to an opinion and in comparison to the beeb? No comparison. Enjoy the float race Clare. Dreadful choice over the Grand National, really it is. But we’ll have Luck and Gok- fair trade.

And finally, yes, you made it. To one jockey. Given the amounts of cash I’ve heaved out over the years over this man, the times I’ve cursed the man, you might be surprised I’m as teary as the rest of you at the departure of a legend. I think to put it into some kind of perspective, the British public admire most the total and unadulterred energy he put into every ride. His iron will over sometimes doubtful horses. It’s a shame Jonjos stable has been in such miserable form this season or he would have signed off with more winners. AP has carried himself wih humility and class and gave every punter 100% commitment. That’s why they love him. And I will very much miss the very engine of National Hunt Racing.

The 2014 Cheltenham Festival – With apologies to no one

Two things I absolutely cannot abide, – gloaters and past posters. Me? I truly fancied Lord Windermere and Very Wood – I just couldn’t get on. Never mind though, I won an awful lot of money on Friday, you’ll be thrilled I know. Can’t wait for the girl at the Bank to ask me where I found it, like they always do. Love a bit of amateur detective do the Banks. Taking a break from fixing the Libor rate I guess (Go on then, make my day, sue me!). ‘just closed a big arms deal’ my normal response always gets a laugh from the people in the queue as they crane their necks to find out what I’m doing. Typically the tellers look a little nonplussed, moaning that the heads aren’t pointing the right way whilst people tut and nod.

Was this an outstanding Cheltenham? Well, I suppose it was in many ways. I’m not going to blow sunshine up JCR’s backsides, because their cheques stopped arriving. However, they do seem to have a clue about putting on a classy event well and not over charging. I don’t see £35 in advance as draconian for such an event. Of course, there will be a few cheapskates who think they should charge a tenner. (Could stand on Cleve Hill for free?)

There are a few gremlins, like a big screen in the Centaur that keeps breaking down and clears the place quicker than a fire alarm. Or the catering mob that doesn’t appreciate the Champagne bars are full of nobs- and they don’t do plastic at £83 a bottle. Minor gripes aside, it’s an extremely well ordered event. Take for example the race starters, I don’t think anyone could fault the skill involved in wearing a trilby like that in the wind, whilst despatching 20 runners off, when someone’s always trying to jump the gun. Professional gripers moan there’s too many races, and – or people there, which is an odd complaint. Could always go to Kempton of an evening if it’s space you crave, and tumbleweed you like to see through the betting ring

What’s it like being a Bookie? I know you lot think it’s a doss, we turn up and win, but the reality is considerably tougher. Sure, Cheltenham is riddled with Bookies – that’s what the people come to engage with in the main. Midweek Racing, however, is dying a death. Crowds are very sparse and by extension so are the Books. Personally I haven’t attended a midweek event other than Ascot, which is but a mile away. If I can’t turn over a minimum of £1000 a race, it’s not worth me standing, and it’s down to £300 midweek at some events. You see people expect me to lay them a fair bet, and compete with firms following exchanges to £20’s. It’s a recipe for failure. If I opened my shoulders as a layer at most of these events, there’s no amount I could and would lose. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, I’m just trying to put you in the picture. http://www.justgiving.com/racetrackbookie.org.mugs

It’s true a lot of people bet on their phones, and it may also be the case that the new signals will make that easier. What’s the outlook for the track Bookie? In truth it’s poor. It isn’t helped by tracks doing deals with remote gambling outfits like Bet365 with free wi-fi for their customers. Before you lambast me for appearing to lag behind the times, let me give you a reality check. Major Bookmakers and Exchanges bettin remotely, ie not at the track, paid Cheltenham to provide free fast internet so people at the track could bet with Gibraltar. The same amount in fee terms as 15 racetrack Bookies. Indeed racecourse Bookmakers contribute to JCR’s coffers in pitch fees alone over £400,000 a day through the Festival. And a lot more if you include their entrances, marketing fees and so forth. Should BetVictor get the same privilege for the same consideration as 15 little Bookies? I’ll let you decide. Were we consulted before the deal was struck, or our fees reduced to compensate us? No. Going forward, I believe tracks ought to consider very carefully the long term implications on Betting for every penny of revenue they seek.

On the plus side, I’ve always found JCR a thoroughly professional outfit, and I mean not to unfairly single them out. It’s true they have invested a great deal in wifi, and all things have to be paid for, and their profits stay in the sport, which is praise worthy. But if it’s a revenue exercise, then we shouldn’t be paying so much when we’re taking record low monies. JCR were the first to employ a senior manager who’s brief is to look at just such matters, and to understand and engage with us. They were also the first group of tracks brave enough to assist us in standardising the each way terms, in banning pitch linking and renting. These are positive steps, and I’m a fan of their style. In raising the subject, I’m looking for all tracks to involve their Bookmakers in every commercial deal they undertake. If that is, they value their betting rings and the valuable income we both generate and bring in.

Anyway, what’s with these jockeys? You know the ones, the jumping types with the easy life, the show offs – crashing through rails, flying through the air into hedges, diving onto tarmacs, then leaping up declaring ‘I’m fine, just a few broken bones – where’s the horse?’ I mean Jacob tries to walk back to the weighing room, rattling – what’s that about heh? As for Walsh, deliberately rolling under his horse, a party trick for the legally insane. I’m a bit of a horseman myself, I fancy I would have rolled away artistically and waved to the crowd. As for McCoy hobbling around on the telly – he’s just trying to get the odds up. I’m on to your game 🙂 Seriously though, we are rewarded with bravery and commitment of the highest order out there, the last two years ample proof of the value of these pilots.

I did the morning line on Friday to get the free breakfast, and for those of you who were watching with the sound down, I told you I loved handicaps, I do my own hair, and I was going to rob you senseless that day. Can’t be fairer than that in a Cheltenham, that needs moving to Christmas thanks to the Casinos. I mean my Old Man and Bookies like him turned the place into a hell on earth for punters. What happened to our ruthless streak? Horse Race traders at the big firms must be pulling their hair out at the hefty margin erosion from money back specials, as they follow the orders from clueless Marketing types. In what other industry would we witness such gifts?

Gold Cup day, fortunately, didn’t follow last year’s script, when you all got fat on me, giggling and laughing as you left. In truth, if Stevie Wonder took up Bookmaking – he’d have won on the Friday. The ambulance won twice. The Stewards panel, backs to the cameras for their big TV appearance on the Gold Cup enquiry, had the Bookies on tenterhooks hoping a 20/1 chance actually won a Gold Cup. Over the next week I’m sure we can look forward to Bookies PR reps, telling us they won 12 billion this week, – in £10 bets. That’s nearly a hundred wagers.

I want to talk to some of you about your dress sense. It’s not just that you get dressed in the dark, it’s that you shop in TK Max with a blindfold on too. I know you’re potless and the thought of buying a pair of strides over £20 fills you with horror, but I say this – if you’re poor, try not to show it. As for the rah rahs in tweed? Haven’t ANY of you realised why it’s always in the sale? One day you’ll notice people prodding each other as you strut past.

As for the berks wearing the Guinness hats on St Patrick’s Day? Or the equally delightful and tasteful orange scarves the fillies give away for free outside? I wouldn’t have them as cat litter, but that’s just me. You enjoy. People love a freebie

Chump Bookie award of the week goes to Greg Hughes who bets number one on the rails. He’s paid a fortune to bet in the best pick, which should afford him to bet well. Instead he delights by offering exchange odds. Odd business plan. He managed to clear out the top 8 firms below him on Friday, all departing to various corners of the track to escape this particular terrorist. And yet, he would have cleaned up on Friday, doubtless spent the evening telling his Missus ‘mine is de only way.’ To clear up all doubt, every Bookie won, even the daft ones. Good luck Greg.

Ride of the week goes to Rishi Pershad of Channel 4, who trained for months how to cling on to a racehorse – after the saddle has slipped. Rishi won’t be using his balls for anything other than ballast for the next 8 months..

A brief plug for the BHA. Fudging the only contentious issue which could mar the great event – taking a 12% punt on Last Instalment not winning the Gold Cup. That would have made the headlines for all the wrong reasons.

Thanks also to the punters in the excellent Centaur, many of whom came up to shake my hand and take me on , bet with my lasses, fart and leave. It really is the smelliest place I’ve ever been in. If anyone is going to Japan in the near future can you bring me back those little white face masks they rock around in? We took a little over 2000 bets a day, a little less than usual because The Lord decided he’d give us sunshine and wreck my turnover inside. Thank you God, normally you’re a Bookie aren’t you?

A mention for those same punters for the good spirit in which they handled adversity, and for not a single instance of anyone short-changing us. When you take nearly 10,000 bets that’s something to say for the honesty of folk. Fine, I came off best this year, I’m sure none of you would begrudge me that? (Except the heckler at the back – yes, you!) Remember though, many Bookmakers jumped off the Grandstand last year when 4 favourites obliged on Gold Cup day. As to those of you who came up to me and asked after Faugheen, Sire De Grugy and Balthazar’s King had all won at short odds how much I was winning? I think the slates have definitely fallen off of your roofs.

A mention to my ‘Betting Babes’ – Naomi, Kat, Jenny, and Vicky for their hard work in extracting, with a smile, every penny stitched to each punter, some by force. – I thank them for their hard work. Yes, sex definitely sells – stand and oggle away. At least we don’t look or act like a machine, and you get a real life horse to cheer on. Surely better than 3 lemons.

Well done to all the ‘lesser’ trainers for their success – deserved for sheer enterprise, especially the Moore’s for their guts in taking on Sprintre. I hope we see more horses going their way, because the practice of cotton wooling and avoidance tactics which has characterised this great sport over the last three months deserves exactly what it got at the Festival. Failure. Short field Arkle’s aren’t my thing.

To all my pals in the gambling commission, – yes the mob who think it’s fair game to back a dead horse in running, now on their annual 11 month break before it gets around to billing dopes like me, I want to give the following assurances on my compliance. Yes, I asked everyone if they were drunk, if they were putting on a bet for anyone else, and if they might be inebriated. I went even further than that though, – I made sure I had a pile of self exclusion forms, so anyone who was doing his cobblers could ‘wave the white flag.’ I’m a good boy.

Yes, Cheltenham is THE Festival – See you next year mugs

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